Next Two Steps in Conflict Resolution

Pastor Leon Aguilera

¹⁵ Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. ¹⁶ But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. ¹⁷ And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.  – Matthew 18:15-17

Here’s Jesus’ third step in conflict resolution: be specific. Now we’re getting into the details. Do you see it there in verse 15? “if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault.” No beating around the bush, no starting with ten words of encouragement and all these worldly truisms we’ve been told. JUST GET TO THE POINT! It goes like this: You did this, and it hurt me. This is how it affected me, how I’ve tried to deal with it. Could you help me with this? Tell him his fault.

Actually, the Greek there is just one word that means lay the evidence out. This has nothing to do with explaining or excusing. Just state the facts: This is what happened. If you don’t know what happened, you better stay home.

And by the way, go and tell. Don’t show. Don’t be showing your marriage partner that you’re upset about stuff. No moping or passive aggressive mixed signals—out with it. You hurt me when you do this. Loving, verbal statements are a communication centerpiece for a happy marriage. Say it using Jesus’ pattern: full of grace and truth. Don’t scrimp on either.

Jesus’ fourth step in conflict resolution: Private at first.  It’s got to begin privately.

You ask, Why? There are several good reasons to start privately. First Peter 4:8 says love covers a multitude of sins. If my brother has sinned, I love him and want him to grow and be everything God wants him to be. So I go to him privately, lest he be publically shamed and embarrassed.

I also go in private because I might be mistaken. Now, if you’re not open to the possibility you could have seen the situation wrongly, don’t go to the person because you’re not humble enough yet. Keep praying about it.

Finally, I go in private because he may not know. He does not realize what he did. 

How could he possibly not know?

Since he is just like you and me, he may have a blind spot. He may be committing a sin he cannot see because of lack of knowledge or maturity.

You may think, I don’t see any blind spots in me. We all have them but can’t see them without help. That’s why they’re called blind spots. Conflict resolution starts in private.